SOMEWHERE on Aquidneck Island, RI — I’ve been cultivating these two sources for years, begging them to agree to speak on the record. 

I finally swallowed my journalistic ethics and upped the ante, reluctantly offering up a reward for information. In the end, I believe it was the turkey jerky that made it worth their while.

Sadie and Rosa, the two canines who currently allow me to share my home with them, were street dogs and littermates who found themselves on the wrong side of the law. They wound up behind bars at the Shelby Humane Society in Columbiana, Alabama, in March of 2020. (I’m using their assumed names, as Sadie and Rosa still fear reprisal from the Shelby County dog catcher.) 

The sisters were about to be dispatched to that big Dog Park in the Sky when, at the last moment, a Barrington, R.I.-based animal rescue agency liberated them — along with more than two dozen of their fellow inmates — bringing them north to safety and freedom.

Enough time has elapsed that Sadie and Rosa have agreed it was finally safe to speak on the record with this reporter — and for the world to hear their inspiring message, which is one of survival, optimism in the face of adversity, and perpetual concerns about “dinnertime.”

What follows is the abbreviated transcript of our wide-ranging interview, rendered into human English by Google translate. Sadie and Rosa spoke to me from their dog beds at an undisclosed location in Rhode Island.

INTREPID REPORTER: You two spent a good deal of time living on the streets before you were picked up by the dog catcher. Can you tell me more about that time on the lam?      ROSA: When we were on the streets, we didn’t have any DINNERTIME. So, much of our day was NOT DINNERTIME — and spent looking for DINNERTIME.    

But I don’t think much about the past. You humans make so much NOISY TALK about your “lived traumas.” We dogs just get over it and move on.

To me, the future is NOT REAL, and the past is NOT REAL. The RIGHT NOW time is all that matters. Already, I’ve forgotten when I ate last. I did eat, right? Is it DINNERTIME?

SADIE: The HUMAN DOCTOR FOR DOGS I saw when I first got to this NOT ALABAMA PLACE said I probably lost 20 pounds living on the streets. I could just about fit into a size 0 collar. 

Some humans spend BIG CURRENCY to lose that kind of weight using STABBY MEDICINES I see on SCREENS in between the MOVING STORIES you watch. I don’t understand humans.  

INTREPID REPORTER: OK, so what’s passed is in the past, but can you tell me a bit about what keeps you up at night? I mean, you both do make a lot of noise after lights out.    
SADIE: I make my MOUTH SOUNDS because I want to come up on the BIG, SOFT, MUCH-BETTER BED with you, to put my body on top of your HEADREST FLUFFY THING and to feel you breathe on my face. But that MAN HUMAN you let in the bed is in my way. He isn’t cute like me. Why can’t he sleep on the floor?

ROSA: You are always ruining our DAYTIME SLEEPS with your loud yelling about that ORANGE PRESIDENT HUMAN WITH FAKE HEAD FUR who is on SCREENS.

There is no point in yelling about what he is doing. He is NOT REAL. I know he is NOT REAL, because I can’t smell him. You are real, and the MAN HUMAN who we let share the house with us is real because, when I put my nose in that place you say is TOTALLY OFF LIMITS, I can smell your smell, and so you are real.

 If you would just turn off your SCREENS, the ORANGE PRESIDENT HUMAN would not exist, and you could be happy and quiet. And, I could get my DAYTIME SLEEPS before NIGHTIME BEDTIME.

I get up during NIGHTIME BEDTIME and make MOUTH SOUNDS when I hear you move even a toenail because there is a chance it might be MORNING DINNERTIME.

SADIE: Sometimes I smell a smell, and I get MIND LOST. My brain gets FIZZY. It feels so good to have a deep connection and my MIND KNOWING of everything all at once. It is so HAPPY MAKING, I sometimes roll in the smell so I can wear it home. 

But the smells are NOT ALWAYS HAPPY. Lately we’ve been smelling many HURTS to the Earth. And we smell your sadness because you care about the Earth for your JOB, which is what you say pays for our DINNERTIME. 

We see a lot of human trash on the ground when we go on our outside PATROLS. HUMAN PEOPLE are very smart about a lot of things, but very dumb about hurting the Earth which is their only home.

But if I SNIFF really hard, I can smell FUTURE TIMES and tell you that the Earth will be OK again when humans are completely gone and once they all become a layer of earth itself. But this probably won’t happen before DINNERTIME.